Disney’s Desperate Housewives

• Belle: My husband is an animal. (eww!)
• Cinderella: Mine still drives a pumpkin. (a Porsche would be more romantic nowadays)
• Snow White: My husband leaves me at home with 7 little ones. (apparently good things do not always come in small packages)
• Little Mermaid: Mine wants me to wear fishnet stockings. (yep, Prince Charming has fetishes too)
• Sleeping Beauty: I just pretend I’m asleep. (yet most women still can’t use that excuse)

The Rejection code

We all know that rejection sucks. But we also know that we or someone would be sensitive enough not to say: “You are too ugly/fat/dumb/boring/selfish/careless/mean, etc.” though these are some of the top reasons. So what’s up with “It’s not you, it’s me” or “Let’s be friends” crap? Let’s decode them from each gender's perspective:


Top 10 Rejection Lines

Given By Women (and what they actually mean)

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

...and the number 1 rejection line given by women (and what it actually means)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet. It's that male perspective thing)


In response ... The male perspective on the same issue

Top 10 Rejection Lines

Given By Men (and what they actually mean)

10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)

6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)

5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)

2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)

...and the number 1 rejection line given by men (and what it actually means)

1. Let's be friends. (You're unbelievably ugly.)



Oh, how much I just love men!

Vanilla or chocolate? The ethnic dating stereotypes

An extremely non-PC observation on dating racially different women . Taken from a reply on Sam and the City blog:


CAUCASIAN WOMAN:

First date: You get to kiss her goodnight.

Second date: You get to grope all over and make out.

Third date: You get to have sex in the missionary position.



IRISH WOMAN:

First Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

Second Date: You both get blind drunk and have sex.

20th Anniversary: You both get blind drunk and have sex.



ITALIAN WOMAN:

First Date: You take her to a play and an expensive restaurant.

Second Date: You meet her parents and her Mom makes spaghetti & meatballs.

Third Date: You have sex, she wants to marry you & insists on a 3 carat ring.

5th Anniversary: You already have 5 kids together & hate the thought of having sex.

6th Anniversary: You find yourself a girlfriend.



JEWISH WOMAN:

First Date: You get dynamite head.

Second Date: You get more great head.

Third Date: You tell her you'll marry her and never get head again.



POLISH WOMAN:

First Date: You go to pick her up, and she isn't home. She gave you the wrong address.

Second Date: You decide to meet at a restaurant. She gets lost getting to the restaurant and then again going home.

Third Date: She's pregnant. She's not sure if its hers.



CHINESE WOMAN:

First date: You get to buy her an expensive dinner but nothing happens..

Second date: You buy her an even more expensive dinner but nothing happens again.

Third date: You don't even get to the third date and you have already realized nothing is going to happen.



INDIAN WOMAN:

First date: Meet her parents.

Second date: Set the date of the wedding.

Third date: Wedding night.



BLACK WOMAN:

First Date: You get to buy her a real expensive dinner.

Second Date: Your get to buy her and her girlfriends a real expensive dinner.

Third Date: You get to pay her rent.

Tenth Date: She's pregnant by someone other than you!



LATIN WOMAN

First Date: You buy her an expensive dinner, get her drunk on Riunite, have sex in the back of her car.

Second Date: She is pregnant.

Third Date: Move in with her, her two cousins, her sister's boyfriend and live happily ever after eating rice and beans in the Bronx.

Shit happens

Shit is in the eye of the beholder.

• Taoism: Shit happens.
• Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."
• Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
• Zen: What is the sound of shit happening?
• Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
• Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
• Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
• Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
• Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again.
• Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
• Capitalism: That's MY shit.
• Communism: It's everybody's shit.
• Feminism: Men are shit.
• Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...
• Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.
• Surrealism: Shit is shiny and shaped like a buick.
• Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.
• Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS.
• Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
• Scientology: If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.
• Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.
• Atheism: I don't believe this shit.
• Altruism: Want some shit?

P.S: I feel like shit!